on statistics

Self Reflection Healing

When I got home after finding out the sex of my last baby was a girl, the first thing I did was go to my computer, pull up google and type in “child sexual abuse statistics“.  I’m sure that is not the response I should have had to the news.

I was deeply distraught.  I had birthed all boys until now and while there are of course rape statistics for boys, I was not a boy so had not made a connection.

Over the next several weeks and months I proceeded to learn all I could to arm myself with ways to protect her from being sexually abused.  I became so obsessed with this way of thinking that I needed to seek out counseling.  I was completely aware that my thoughts were unreasonable, or, were they?

What are the statistical odds that I would be molested by…

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on my angel

Self Reflection Healing

I have no doubt I was born to mother, in all of her visages.

I tried for several years to be just that, unsuccessfully.  It was when I became resigned to the idea that I would birth a child that I then became pregnant with one.

Ironically, I did not see the blessing.  I felt the timing was wrong; that I did not have enough money; that I didn’t live in the right place; that I needed a better support system, and the thoughts ran on and on ceaselessly.

I had just started a new job so didn’t tell anyone.  I remember how exhausted I was in the first trimester and there were a couple of times my boss found me head down in front of my computer, snoring.

At 5 months I was not showing.  At my ultrasound appointment my ob/gyn seemed to have trouble finding a heartbeat with the…

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